


A Warden's Devotion

by daisygal18



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 14:24:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7718257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisygal18/pseuds/daisygal18
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blackwall faces the reality of the death of the Inquisitor. This goes along with my multi-chapter story Bold in Deed. The night of Trevelyan's death through her best friend's eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Warden's Devotion

**Author's Note:**

> Just wanted to write a little something from Blackwall's POV. If you haven't read Bold in Deed this probably won't make much sense. Just wanted to give you all a deeper look into his affection for Bretta.

I shouted as I entered the stables where I had made my quarters. I kicked a bucket and yanked at my hair roughly. My breath was coming out loudly and rushed. I thought my lungs might burst. 

I whirled around and punched a wooden beam, then I hit it again, and again, and again. The tears were falling from my eyes and I rested my forehead against the wood as sob after sob left my body. Why was this happening to me? Pain ripped my heart in two. I had thought watching her love someone else was the worst possible thing that could happen. 

I was wrong. This was worse. I would watch her be happy with him forever if it just meant she was here. A world without Bretta Trevelyan… How would I make it through this?

Memories flooded to the front of my mind. 

I remembered being a boy in Ferelden and mother telling me we had to move. Father was dead, murdered by someone he called friend. We had moved to Orlais and I had taken the role of head of the house. Mother sold her cakes for money and I worked anywhere they needed laborers. When I was old enough I joined the guard, it had been a relief to me that mother didn't have to work so hard. 

Then she caught a fever and she was gone in a month. I had became a man I didn't recognize then. I fought in that tourney and when the brave man offered to teach me, to take me under his wing, I had scoffed. 

I made poor choices. I betrayed men that looked to me for guidance. Then I dressed myself in the armor of a dead man and tried to pretend that part of me away. I had every mind to live my life out in solitude until I died. 

Then the bloody world went to shit. 

She had found me in that tiny cabin by the river and she had bewitched me. 

I remembered she was beautiful. That wasn't what was so intriguing about her. She wasn't the Inquisitor then, she was just the Herald, but she was still leading them. She lead them with a grace and confidence that I had never seen in my years of service. She was firm but kind, she was the leader I had failed to be. 

It was a chance for me to do something good. So I had followed her back to Haven. I followed her lead and I watched her from afar, but I didn't get close. I never got close to anyone. I knew she was with the Commander and I thought that suited her, he was a brave man and I think he was probably incapable of being dishonest. She deserved a man like that, not a man like me, a liar, a fraud, a coward. 

She hadn't quite let me get away that easily though. After Haven fell she had become a constant in the stables. She always asked me questions, about the Wardens, much of which I didn't have an answer to. She also asked about my life, my family. I tried to remain as distant as I could. I knew she distrusted this, but it was better. If I let her in she would see the true man I was, she would see the man behind the mask of Blackwall, she would see Thom, the coward. 

Then that night she had gotten drunk and she had been so beautiful that I wondered how it was possible. Then she asked if I found her pretty, of all things.

As if ‘pretty’ could describe how breathtaking she was. 

She nearly flung herself from the stairs and I stood there frozen in fear. Then the Commander had carried her away and I remembered she wasn't mine to care for. She never was. 

I loved her though, maker how I loved her. 

When we went to her family home, just us, I had let myself imagine that it was I she shared a life with. I imagined having debates with her father over his history books while she sat on the lounge and played with a dark haired child that look like me. I had let myself think like that for a moment. 

She returned to him though, like I knew she always would. He was her chocolate cake and although I wanted to hate him, I couldn't. He was a part of her, he was in her heart and her mind, and I was powerless to hate any inch of her. So I remained the ever constant friend. 

The day she told me she was with child I thought I might empty my stomach in front of her before she left the stable. I had thrown the small toy griffin I was working on across the room. The wing had broken, I fixed it and then I overheard the Orlesian weapon traders gossiping. A man was to be hung in Val Royeaux. For MY crimes. 

So I left. 

I should have known she wouldn't just let me leave. She found me and confronted me while I was in that prison cell and I laid it all bare for her. I told her of my awful deeds, I showed her the man I was and I hung my head in shame. 

I remember feeling her touch on my face and I looked up into her bright blue eyes that were filled with unshed tears. 

“You are still my best friend. You are a good man. You are.” She said it without wavering, she said it with conviction, and I almost believed her. 

“You should leave Inquisitor, you shouldn't be here.” I glanced at her still flat stomach and then back to her eyes then I turned away and faced the wall. She stood there a moment before sighing and I felt my heartbreak with every footstep she took away. 

I had resigned myself to death, it's what I deserved. 

It never came though, she had saved me again. The guards spat at me when they released me from my cell. 

“Must be nice to have friends in such high places, Rainier.” One hissed as he shoved me onto a carriage back to Skyhold. 

I knew Bretta wasn't behind the ‘judgment’ she hated the antics. I glanced to Josie and she settled me with a glare that chilled me, and I knew then who had demanded my shame be held before all of the people.

The blue eyes that stared at me from the throne held nothing but love and friendship. I spoke harshly to her and cursed her name. I wanted to wipe that look from her face, that acceptance, I needed her to hate me. It would have been so much easier if she would just hate me. 

She never did though, even as I pushed myself away from her and all of our friends, except for Varric. Damn stubborn dwarf. 

When she came to me and asked that I come with her to Ostwick for the birth of the baby I had tried to make my voice as cold and detached as I could. I couldn't go there with her while she gave birth to HIS child. Cullen watched me closely now that my truth was revealed. Anytime Bretta tried to speak to me he was there only a few feet away, glaring at me like a criminal, and I was. I deserved it, it annoyed me though that he thought I would ever be capable of harming her. 

He didn't know me though, so how could I blame him. 

Bretta had been unable to hold in her tears when I told her I wouldn't go, and I told myself it was for the best, I would only taint her life with my darkness; and I couldn't be with her while she gave birth to a child that wasn't mine, it hurt too much. 

Skyhold was dead without her there. The hustle and bustle continued but it was like a chessboard without its queen, it was hollow. I went on missions with Varric when Leliana asigned them and I tried not to listen too eagerly when news would come from Ostwick. Varric came to me the morning after the a Commander had left. He rang his hands and looked nervous, which was odd for him. 

“The Herald has gone into labor, a month early.” He said slowly as he approached me. 

I leaned against the wooden beam to support myself. 

“Is she…?” I asked slowly. 

“The letter was short, but Leliana looked worried, and I thought I should tell you.” He left me then, to my thoughts. 

I cursed myself for not being there for her. I was selfish, she might have died and I let things go on a bad note. I let her think I hated her. I did something that day that I hadn't in a long time, I went to the chantry and I prayed. I prayed for the Maker to save her and that baby, I prayed for just one more moment to make it right. I swore to be better, to be honest, if he would just give me the chance to make things right with her. To tell her she was my best friend, the best thing that had ever happened to me. I prayed harder than I ever had, until my hands went numb from clenching them together so tightly. 

Two weeks later a letter arrived in the Commander's hand that all was well, she was weak, but alive and they had a son. 

Bretta was a mother. 

I got my chance to make it right a few weeks later. We were about to enter the elven ruins in the Wilds, and I told her that I was sorry. She looked at me with her unjudging eyes and she accepted me once again as the man I was. She welcomed me back into her life, like I had never left it in the first place. I was once again amazed at her steadfastness and how she loved with such fervor. We were all undeserving of her. 

Then the demon had showed himself after the Wilds. He attacked at just the right moment, the men weren't back just a small few and us. I marched with her into the darkness, determined to fight it from her, she had saved me from my darkness, and come hell or high water I would save her from hers. 

But I had failed. 

I watched her back the entire fight. The creature was beaten and he knew it, he locked me, Iron Bull, and Solas into a magical bind and then I watched as he slung her tiny body into a pillar. I heard a deafening crack before she hit the ground hard. The creature screamed as he was ripped apart by the veil. I would have enjoyed his pain had I not been so worried about the woman laying about a hundred meters away from me. 

I rushed to her when I was free. I stopped before I reached her. She was on her back but her head was turned away from me. Her body looked… Wrong. Like a broken doll. I knelt slowly at her side and turned her face to look at me. I gasped as her eyes met mine, but they were lifeless, she was gone. 

“Bretta.” I said softly. I felt tears falling from me, they landed on her face as I closed her eyes softly. 

“Solas!” I shouted and looked to the elf who stood beside me. 

“Do something!” I pleaded. 

“Her spirit is no longer with us, Blackwall, there is nothing I can do.” He said solemnly, he hung his head in sadness and I felt panic grip me. 

I stared down at her and I allowed myself to look at her. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. How could she not be there anymore? She was such a light, the light in my darkness, how would I find my way now? I pulled her to me and clung to her. I kissed her forehead softly and sobbed. 

I carried her the entire way back to Skyhold, despite Iron Bull offering to help. Varric had been separated from our group during the battle walked with Sera beside him. He didn't cry, but his face was fallen. Sera sobbed openly and loudly. She cursed the heavens, she cursed Corypheus. Her language was the most colorful I had ever heard it, and I agreed with everything she said. Why was this happening to us? Why had she been taken?

When I looked in Cullen’s eyes I saw myself. I saw the face of a man who just lost the one person that could silence his demons. I couldn't look at him, I handed her to him and I walked away. I ran to the stables, and now that's where I stood. Cursing the Maker for taking her from me, cursing him for this whole mess. She was the best of us and she had been taken. I couldn't bare it. The pain was pulling me under. 

I yanked my armor off roughly and threw it. Her blood was on my hands and I rushed to a bucket of water to try and clean them. I sobbed again and sat on the ground. I pulled my knees to my chest and I rocked back and forth. I felt like my chest was caving in. I couldn't handle the pain. 

“Blackwall.” A voice said. 

“Leave me!” I shouted. A hand touched me and I took a swing at Varric as I stood. He dodged and held his hands up. 

“I said leave me!” I roared. 

“I'm not going to do that.” He said calmly, so fucking stubborn. 

“Leave me to my grief, please.” I said weakly. 

“Listen, friend, I know my fair share of self destructive people and you take the cake. The last thing you need right now is to be alone.” He said with his sarcastic tone. 

“She's dead.” I croaked, it felt wrong to say it. 

“I know.” He said sadly. 

“My fault.” I whimpered. 

“No. It's no one’s fault. She wouldn't want you to think that way, and I'm going to respect her wishes and tell you to squash that notion right now.” He said firmly. 

“I loved her.” I whispered brokenly as I collapsed into a chair. 

“I know, Blackwall, I know.” He said and he came to stand beside me. 

“It's so dark now.” I said, and I wasn't making sense, nothing I said made sense. She was all that had ever made sense. She had left me, left me to be taken by the darkness. 

“Her light is not diminished. She saved us all, and we will always have our memories, look for her there.” It was odd, hearing him so sentimental. 

“I cannot live without her, Varric.” I said roughly. 

“You can, and you will. You want me to tell you why? Because she would want you to, she would want you to keep moving in the direction you're heading. She saw the best in you, don't disrespect her memory by falling back to the darkness.” He said. 

“I thought I knew suffering. I thought I knew what it was to have everything taken from you. I was wrong, I was so wrong.” I said. 

“You have friends that will help you. We are all going to miss her, Maker knows we will miss her, but you're not alone. You're never alone.” He told me before punching me in the arm lightly and leaving me. 

I was not alone, and I knew that, I had formed a bond with the people here. They had gained my loyalty. 

I just didn't know how I was supposed to keep living, when my heart had died with her.


End file.
